Borat's Guide To Cambridge

(Borat is standing in a street in Cambridge)

Borat - I have come here to greatest university in the world. Where most famous men in world study; Isaac Newton, William Shakespeare, Kenny Dalglish, Thompson Twins. To find out why this is greatest university in the world.

(Borat is with Dr Ian Tuson within the grounds of a college. Borat kisses both of his cheeks)

Borat - Your name is?

Ian - Ian.

Borat - I have seen women here in Cambridge today. Why are they here?

Ian - Because they also are clever.

Borat - Yes. We say in Kazakhstan that, "Woman who goes with book is like horse without..." What do you put on horse?

Ian - Saddle?

Borat - Yes.

(Both laugh)

Ian - I mean the part is... Half the world are women, therefore half the ability is with the women. The only difference is that they are not creative. They have not got creative minds.

Borat - Is true. Is true.

Ian - They cannot think.

Borat - They cannot think.

Ian - No they can't think properly.

Borat - We say in Kazakhstan, "You find me woman with brain, I find you a horse with..." How you say? (Borat starts flapping his arms)

Ian - With wings.

(Both laugh)

Borat - Is true. Is true.

(Borat is with a cheerful, well spoken, Cambridge student)

Borat - And what is the "Cambridge Ball"? Everyone says "The Cambridge Ball".

Student - The Cambridge Ball's are just big things where you dress up in black or white ties.

Borat - Like a party?

Student - Yeah, like a party.

Borat - And they bring in the women especially for this?

Student - No, there is no special women brought in. You bring your own women I'm afraid.

Borat - So they do not bring in prostitutes?

Student - Absolutely not... Prostitutes... I don't think.

Borat - So how do you party? Without...

Student - Well in England we don't really use prostitutes at parties. It's one of those odd things.

Borat - Why not?

Student - Don't know. It's just not tradition.

(Borat is with a well spoken, rather stuck up, American student)

Borat - Will there be wrestling with no clothes and a horse polo and...

Student - Well there certainly will not be wrestling with no clothes. There might be polo somewhere, yes.

Borat - Yes...

Student - But I think that some of the kinds of parties that maybe you are thinking of you're not going to find at all.

Borat - And will there be a woman where you go and... Have sex with them?

Student - I am sorry you are going to have to cut that off. That's an inappropriate question. There will be no such thing! This is a serious university and there is not going to be any prostitution that you have just mentioned. That would be inappropriate.

Borat - OK OK. So about... Forget the party

Student - I'm sorry that's over.

(The student storms off. Borat is left with his camera crew looking confused)

(Borat is with three students, two rather loud, drunken, males and a quiet female. They are outside a pub)

Borat - ...and you won't forget me?

Students - No way. No no. 

Student 1 - I am going to tell everyone!

Borat - Borat, like Barry.

Student 1 - What is your name anyway?

Borat - Borat, like Barry.

(Student 1 shakes Borat's hand)

Borat - Borat, like Barry. But people call me Steve.

Student 1 - Ok Steve.

Borat - People call me Steve.

Student 1 - Can I call you Brian?

(Everyone is quiet for a couple of seconds then fall about laughing for 3 or 4 seconds)

Borat - Why?

Student 1 - I don't know

(More laughter)

Borat - Why?

Student 1 - No reason really.

Borat - In Kazakhstan there was Englishman he called me Steve.

Student 1 - Yeah?

Borat - Today I look for Steve, there is one Steve here, one Steve there. All Steves.

(More laughter mainly from Student 1 and Borat. The girl looks on not finding it quite as funny)

(Borat is in front of the mess from a party which has now finished)

Borat - So today we met the most intelligent people in Britain. In one day at Cambridge I had more fun than six years at Almaarti University. And the best thing of all Government pay for this! We have lots of lessons to learn.