Borat's Guide To Edinburgh Festival

(Borat is at the Edinburgh Festival. There are street performers behind him.)

Borat - When you hear the word 'England' you think of the country with the most talented actors in the world; Lawrence Olivia, Alec Guinness and Frank Spencer. "Ooh Betsy the cat done shit". This man can do nothing right and two things wrong. This is why I come to Edinburgh Festival to find the most talented performer and bring them back to Kazakhstan.

(Borat is about to go and meet a student comedy group) 

Borat - I am now going to meet funniest comedians in Britain, 'Über Sausage'.

(The scene changes to Borat sitting in a room watching 'Über Sausage' performing one of their comedy routines for him)

Perfomer 1 - Knock Knock Knock.

Performer 2 - Oh. What? www.webgeordie.co.uk/borat

Performer 1 - Good morning Madam. Would Madam be interested in buying a prime number?

Performer 2 - A prime number? What's one of those?

Performer 1 - A very special number. It is what we call a 'prime number' (camera switches to Borat who is clearly enjoying the sketch) divisible only by itself and one.

Performer 2 - I say. Well what is the point of that?

Performer 1 - Well it means it can't be broken down into smaller pieces and that means children can't swallow it.

(Camera switches to Borat who is cheering and applauding the performance which has now finished. The next scene is Borat sitting with 'Über Sausage' having a chat about comedy.)

Borat - What is English humour?

Performer 2 - Fawlty Towers.

Borat - Fawlty Towers with the Monty Python? We have...

Performer 2 - We've been likened to Monty Python in our reviews.

Borat - Yes! This when I look at you it reminds me of Monty Python.

(Camera switches to next conversation. The topic is English slap-stick humour)

Borat - What is a stick?

(Performer 3 lightly slaps Performer 4 on the side of the head to demonstrate slap-stick humour)

Borat - So you can come up and do a hit?

Performer 3 - Come on. Take a shot. Take a shot. (Performer 2 offers her head to Borat so he can give it a slap)

Borat - Can't hit a woman. I can hit? (Borat gestures to Performer 5. He is a shy ginger student who hasn't spoken yet)

Performer 2 - Yeah go on.

(Borat proceeds to hit the ginger student three times. The first a slap to the side of the head - a little too hard. The second a slap on the side of the cheek - again this is a reasonably hard blow. Borat finally yells "fun" and slaps the unfortunate young performer one last time - a firm bat to the forehead.)

Borat - Now I meet best American Poet, Martin Semesta

(We cut to a part of Martin Hiemstra's act - he is balancing what appears to be a house brick on his head, the line of poetry he reads is "Two or three or four live poets chanting, they love warm hearts")

(Borat is then seen interviewing Martin in the grounds of some park)

Borat - Do you know Dolly Parton?

Martin - Yes

Borat - What is she like?

Martin - She's a very intelligent person

Borat - Yes

Martin - Extremeley intelligent person. She's done a lot of good things. A lot of really good shows. She had a TV show which lasted two years which was very good.

Borat - She has big (Borat gestures to his chest) tits! Wow wow whee wahhh! Goodbye Samantha Fox

Martin - It's more than that, she has a wonderful American folk art part.

Borat - But they are so big.

Martin - (Laughing uncomfortably) That was her initial claim to fame

Borat - They're incredible!

Borat - They say, in Kazakhstan, actor / performer is like a hunter who go into wood and try to catch a (Borat pauses to remember the name of animal and realises that it probably isn't the same name in English). A Kratouee? A Kratouee?

Martin - A creature of some kind.

Borat - Yes but... (Mumbles) Kratouee

Martin - A wild boar?

Borat - Yes but more (Borat puts his hands on his head to indicate horns). A Kratouee. Like a bigger case of... And makes a noise like neeeeep. (There is an awkward pause for a few seconds). Like what you said, but smaller.

(Again there is an awkward silence)

Martin - I don't know what it could be.

(A BMW with blackened out windows pulls up. The door opens and Borat gets out of the car. Over the sound of dance music we here Borat thanking the people in car)

Borat -  I go now to see Striptease Mon Amour. I hope it is as good as Strippy Strippy Bang Bang in Kazakhstry Street.

(Borat has watched a dance group by the name of "Striptease Mon Amour" who could safely be described as 'alternative'.) www.webgeordie.co.uk/borat

Borat - So we make clear. This is no striptease like America? Like dirty? There is no hand relief?

Dancer 1 - No.

Borat - I hope that you will come to Aunmark Festival in Kazakhstan?

Dancer 2 - Is it International?

Borat - We have pop group from England, Right Said Fred. Everybody shout, "I'm too sexy. I'm too sexy". Big fat man. "I'm too sexy".

(Borat is then invited to dance with the group. Funny moments include; Borat attempting to grope one of the dancers bottoms but then thinking better of it, Borat breaking wind in a meditation session and finally repeatedly saying "I'm too sexy" during an open chant.)

Borat - I go to see Shakti, an erotic ballet dancer.

(Borat's final guest is Shakti an alternative ballet dancer.)

Borat - Please tell us about the 'Swan Lake'?

Shakti - My 'Swan Lake'?

Borat - Yes Please.

Shakti - It's a bit different from the ballet. Because in my Swan Lake... I think within the muddy lakes deep within our souls is the white swan. And that white swan is the symbol of desire. Desire is the most pure thing in the world. You know you've seen a white swan? It's never really white. It's dirty grey and you can see it's webbed feet and the way it scratches through the water and when you see the mate it can be very savage at times.

Borat - Yes...

Shakti - So we are all creatures of the world too. Civilization, Society tries to tame us but there is something within us that doesn't want to be tamed.

Borat - What is a swan?

Shakti - The swan is a symbol. A symbol of desire. It's a symbol of purity. It is a symbol of the wild

Borat - But it is an animal?

Shakti - Yes

Borat - And how do you want audiences to feel?

Shakti - I want the audience to feel exhilarated. I want you to feel energetic. I want you to feel lively.

Borat - Yes. And you want them to feel with the sexy?

Shakti - Oh yes definitely. I want you to feel charged up. That's what I am here for.

Borat - (Goes close to Shakti and whispers in her ear) I felt hard.

Shakti - Oh

Borat - Is then?

Shakti - No

Borat - That is not dad?

Shakti - No not at all not at all!

Borat - (Goes close to Shakti and whispers in her ear) There was nothing coming out.

Borat - it  is a problem? 'cause in Kazakhstan this is bad. I have never seen something like this.

Shakti - No it's natural

Borat - We say, in Kazakhstan, that acting and dance is like a life. And the theatre is like a house. And a man in the theatre is like a man in a house. And a woman in the theatre is like a woman in a house. And a light in the theatre is like a light in a house. And a food in the theatre is like a food in a... (Borat pauses prompting Shakti to finish his sentence)

Shakti - house?

Borat - You know the poem?

Shakti - No.