Borat's Guide To Henley

(Borat is at the Henley Regatta. A traditional English rowing event.)

Borat - I come to Henley Regatta where old English gentlemen look at young muscley boy in a boat shaped like a man's hràng. This is most special event of Summer Season. I come to find out why.

(Borat is chatting to a well spoken middle aged gentleman by the side of the river)

Borat - What is Henley Regatta?

Gentleman - Henley Regatta is an international regatta that was founded about 160 years ago.

Borat - And is there woman here?

Gentleman - Yes, Yes.

Borat - But, they can be... Not as members?

Gentleman - Yes, Yes.

Borat - But they are fantastic in a kitchen, in a bed, but in a sport? Is...

Gentleman - In a sport they learn self control.

Borat - Yes (Borat pauses then assumes the gentleman has cracked a joke and roars with laughter) What do you mean?

Gentleman - Yes, they become very athletic, very attractive to Western Man.

Borat - Ah. Yes, they because... They become strong.

Gentleman - Not so strong... But lithe and flexible.

(Borat is being shown 'behind the scenes' by another well spoken gentleman)

Borat - Nice. And this is beautiful badge.

Gent 2 - These are badges given out by the Leander* club

Borat - And there is a pig? (Borat gestures to the hippopotamus on the badge)

Gent 2 - It's a hippopotamus.

Borat - What is hippopotamus?

Gent 2 - It's an animal in Africa that swims in the water.

Borat - Is it a fish?

Gent 2 - No, like a pig. But it goes in the water.

Borat - What? A pig in the water?

Gent 2 - A hippo.

Borat - This is English humour!

Gent 2 - This is not English humour.

Borat - A pig in the water? A pig who drinks water?

Gent 2 - Swims in the water.

Borat - Lives in the water?

Gent 2 - Not pig size. Bigger.

Borat - And will we see this pig in the water?

Gent 2 - No we won't. We'll see the boats that belong to the club that has pigs on their badge.

Borat - They have a pig on the boat?

Gent 2 - They have a little symbol with a pig on the boat.

Borat - And why do they carry the pig on the boat?

Gent 2 - They don't carry... They carry the symbol of it. You know a little picture like your badge.

Borat - And why do they show a picture of a pig?

Gent 2 - Because that's the symbol. I don't know why.

Borat - In Kazakhstan we say, "A pig is a dirty animal".

Gent 2 - Well you see. It's not actually a pig. It's a hippo.

(Borat is then introduced to a victorious men's rowing team. There are eight young men all lined up dressed in tight lycra costumes. Borat proceeds to congratulate each one by kissing them on both cheeks. When he reaches the young lady cox at the end of the line he stands his distance and doesn't kiss her - simply congratulates her.)

(The next scene is Borat having a picnic with an upper class group of two elderly ladies and a gentleman) 

Borat - We here have English tea?

Lady 1 - Yes that is right. We have our sandwiches.

Lady 2 - How many times have you been to England?

Borat - This is my first time.

Lady 2 - And are you enjoying it?

Borat - It's beautiful. Everybody says that it rain down like... How you say?

Lady 1 - Cats and dogs?

Borat - Piss. www.webgeordie.co.uk/borat

Gentleman - No we do not say that!

(Borat is chatting to middle aged chap with a moustache by the side of the river)

Borat - You have wonderful moustache.

Man with 'tache - I've had that for a very long time.

Borat - Mine is nothing compared to...

Man with 'tache - It just takes time.

Borat - Your moustache is beautiful I'm very jealous!

Man with 'tache - Well I appreciate you saying that.

Borat - Thank you. May I ask... You are man who does with another man?

Man with 'tache - No! Definitely not!

(Borat is sitting in the grand stand with a gentleman. They are about to watch a boat race.)

Gentleman - It's a very great national race between these two *rowing crews*. You back Bucks *Buckingshire*and I'll back Berks *Berkshire*.

Borat - I'll back backs?

Gentleman - And I'll back Bucks. COME ON BUCKS! And you say "Come on Berks".

Borat - Come on the backs.

(The race is now approaching it's (mildly) exciting finally)

Borat - COME ON THE BACKS!

Gentleman - Here they are coming on their...

Borat - Mow the backs.

Gentleman - Come on the Berks.

Borat - Mow the f*ck.

Gentleman - Come on the borks.

Borat - COME ON THE F*CKING BACKS!!!

Gentleman - You shouldn't say that.

Borat - Why not?

Gentleman - Because it's a swear word.

(Borat is standing by the river)

Borat - So I have learnt lots about Henley. I have had best day of my life - Jagshemash.

(Ali G - "And here is the last Borat ever!") ???

* thanks to Tom from the Coventry Uni for knowing the name of the Rowing Club and the Counties - some might say 'a bit sad?' - not me though - cheers Tom (and Cleggy)