Borat's Guide To Sport

(Borat is being greeted by a gentleman in an indoor 'Crown Green' Bowling Club. The gentleman is middle aged and balding.)

Man - Hello Borat.

Borat - Hello, thank you.

Man - Welcome to the Camberley Club.

Borat - Very nice to... Welcome.

Man - A great pleasure.

(The scene cuts to the gentleman standing on the bowling surface teaching Borat the basics)

Man - That's what they call the Jack. (The man holds up a small white ball). And we bowl to the Jack.

Borat - What is Jack?

Man - This is the Jack. (The man indicates the small white ball).

Borat - Yes.

Man - And we are going to throw this down to the bottom... Would you like to try it?

Borat - Yes... And when will we meet Jack?

Man - This little ball... Do you understand? Is called a Jack.

Borat - And what is this ball called? (Borat indicates to a larger black ball).

Man - That's a Wood.

Borat - Mr Wood?

Man - No. A Wood.

Borat - A man called Jack? Jack he is dressed like a bowl?

Man - Oh no no! We are going to bowl to this, once it is down the bottom.

Borat - I understand. And when will Jack come?

Man - This is a Jack (indicates the little white ball). We are going to bowl to...

Borat - I watch Jack Nicholas. Check the two Jacks, check the bank.

Man - (Visibly frustrated. The man points to certain items). No! Bowling Shoes. Trousers. Jack.

(Borat then attempts to bowl. His first attempt is far too hard. His second attempt is far too soft).

(The scene then cuts to Borat and the man standing off the 'lawn' and by the score board).

Borat - Do many people get hurt playing bowls?

Man - No, nobody gets hurt.

Borat - Do people die from the...

Man - (Joking). No, only the older people with a heart attack...

Borat - (Serious). But if you get a ball, like this, (Borat holds the large 'wood' above the man's head), and hit it on someone's head. And SMASH.

Man - But that's not bowls.

(The next thing seen is Borat and the man walking to the changing room area).

Man - Do you want to see our changing rooms.

Borat - (Visibly excited). Yes please! Will there be many men with no clothes here?

Man - No, I'm afraid. Not so.

(The scene cuts to Borat and the man walking within a toilet area).

Borat - And what is this here? (Borat indicates to the urinals).

Man - That's a urinal.

Borat - Is it where you shower?

Man - No. That is where you do a.. toilet?

Borat - You lie down here?

Man - No you stand up.

Borat - You... Like this? (Borat squats over the urinal).

Man - Just do a wee in there.

Borat - What is wee?

Man - (Trying to change subject). And this one... (The man shows Borat the proper toilet cubicals).

Borat - Yes, I know. But if this is full, (toilet cubical), you can come and do... (Borat squats in the urinal again).

Man - No, no, you stand up!

Borat - Can you do a dirt in... (Borat indicates to the urinal).

Man - No! This one. (The man indicates the cubicle).

Borat - And which one you prefer?

Man - It depends on what I want to do.

Borat - Yes.

Man - If I just want to do a wee, you do it in that one (indicates the urinal), otherwise you do it in this one (indicates the cubicle).

Borat - But id you want to a dirt and you are in a hurry and there is someone in there (indicates the cubicle). You do it... (indicates the urinal).

Man - No no no. That's not allowed.

Borat - But there is space.

Man - No that is water only.

Borat - But you can have five men. And squeeze something from the anus (Borat squats near the urinal once more). You understand?

Man - Yes yes.

Borat - Squeeze...

Man - (Changing subject) And after you've been to the toilet you wash your hands (the man shows Borat the wash basin).

Borat - And do you do a dirt in here?

Man - No! You'd be thrown out the club if you did.

Borat - Why?

Man - Because it is not hygienic.

Borat - But why not?

(Borat is now introduced to another member of the club. This gentleman is again in his 50s or 60s).

Man - Very nice to meet you.

Borat - (Kisses man). To have met you. Hello. And your name is?

Man - Todd. Todd Slaughter.

Borat - And... Slaughter? What does mean? Slaughter? To Kill.

Man - Yes. That's right. And unusual name. But I always say, "Laughter, with S in front". (The man laughs at his quip. Borat remains attentive).

Borat - And my name Borat

Man - Borat? No I do not know that name

Borat - Like Barry. Like English Barry

Man - Like English Barry, right.

Borat - But some people call me Steve (Borat smiles and waits for the man to laugh).

Man - And why to they call you Steve?

Borat - Why not? (agains Borat smiles and waits for the man to laugh).

Borat - I met a man in King Cross last night. He wear leather trousers. He call me Steve.

Man - Right. Right.  My first name, Todd, is a nickname. A pseudonym. A nombergé. You understand all that?

Borat - Yes. I understand Nick.

Man - But nobody calls me Nick.

Borat - And what do we do now Nick?

Man - Not Nick. We go to the Outdoor Club.

(Borat and the new man are then pictured standing outside on a bowling green in the sunshine).

Borat - Do you sometimes make friends from this?

Man - Yes. Very much so. It is one way to make lots of friends.

Borat - Yes.

Man - In particular, some of the people who may be on their own. Who are looking for someone. A partner maybe.

Borat - You can make a...

Man - You can make friends

Borat - You can make a game. And then do the.. the sex?

Man - Well I don't know about sex. No. It certainly doesn't go with that.

(The scene advances).

Man - It doesn't really matter what your ability is. You can actually join in...

Borat - And gypsies? Can they play? Or is best to keep them away?

Man - Mmmm. I'd seek to keep gypsies awat. We don't really want troublemakers.

(Cuts to finish).

Borat - Thank you. This my friend Nick. He teaches us how to play Bowls. Thank you Nick.